Royal Asshats

Once upon a time there was a snobby little country named England, whose people often towered over their younger, more virile sibling-country named America.  England thought itself much more evolved and mighty than the Americans across the pond; making fun of their customs, politics, religion and how they (correctly) spell words like “civilized” with a ‘z’ rather than an ‘s.’

Who could blame them?

Of course the English are more progressive than the Americans; after all, they have The Royal Family!  A beloved group of rich people who, once every couple of decades, host a royal wedding that attracts billions of spectators worldwide.

Any doubters of England’s clear superiority would be an immediate convert if they only more closely examined the most recent Royal wedding extravaganza that took place on April 29th between Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Oh, what an amazing spectacle indeed!

In case you missed it (which would mean you’ve been living under a rock) allow me to recap:

The day began, of course, with Queen Elizabeth. . .

. . .who sent a royal memo to Reverend John Hall, the Dean of Westminster, instructing him to wear gold -  she wanted them to dress as “sunshine same-sies.”  (They later let their hair down and stoically discussed the value of a good, ripe tomato.)


But wait there’s more – the Queen Mum’s cream-pump-fierceness was only the beginning!

As England’s very important people arrived, the whole world marveled at how if one shoved a pompous polo stick far enough up one’s bum, a weirdie little hat would sprout from one’s head.

Victoria Beckham sported a navy blue cough drop with curly fries.

Mother of the Bride, Carole Middleton, magically sprouted a handy hankie on her head for the inevitable tears to come.

Royal Bride-to-be Zara Phillips thoughtfully served as a Doppler Radar, minding the weather patterns of the day for the nervous Royal couple.

Camilla Parker Bowles conveniently served chips and salsa to all of the guests from her sombrero.  (It was rumored that Charles got a bit kinky with the Pico de Gallo.)

BOW MY GOODNESS!  Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice donned a mini-peacock and the stupidest hat in recorded history in an effort to divert attention away from the fact that they were desperate.

What a people to be envied, indeed!

As the day wore on and the guests were in place, the Prince himself arrived with his hot – publicly dubbed inferior – brother Prince “Dirty” Harry.

The side-bow around Prince William’s waist was a manly touch for the often misrepresented effeminate European male.
 



 
The commoner Bride looked radiant. . .












. . .as the Oompa Loompas clutched their golden ticket in giddy anticipation.







 
The ceremony was stunning and went off without a hitch, as an estimated 3 billion people welcomed the new Prince and Princess of England!

After this impressive shindig, Americans deserve every uppity scoff the English have to dish out. . .right?

Right…because our people were downright bought.

All it took was spending an estimated $52 million on a silly wedding for American media outlets to push back the coverage of what may be the worst tornado outbreak in US history, to the “leftover” news section of their respective organizations.  By Friday morning over 300 human beings had lost their lives, yet one had to scroll down to the bottom of CNN.com to find a current death count.

Was the story too glib?  Maybe the mourning families should have worn stupid hats.

As a writer for the media, I want to apologize to the families of the South who were expecting the country to publicly mourn with you on Friday, April 29th.  Not that the Royal couple didn’t deserve a wedding – they did.  However, your dead are worth so much more than the base coverage we gave you on that dreadful day.

I’m truly sorry.  May your dead rest in peace and may God bless the rebuilding of your lives, homes and communities.




PS:  England, in no way are you off the hook.  Not only do you encourage women to look like Dr. Seuss garden gnomes (incidentally, so do we), but with 925 million people going hungry worldwide, spending $52 million on a wedding is down right shameful.

PPS:  Please feel free to use the comments section below to re-caption these ridiculous photos.  SO FUNNY!